LABYRINTH: A Parody
by Straggletag
Summary: parody of the beloved 80's fantasy extravaganza Labyrinth. Includes, PMS-ing Sarah, Muppets, Rhett Butler and, of course, Jareth the Goblin King
1. Chapter 1

LABYRINTH: A PARODY

(A/N) I do not own the Film and/or characters of Labyrinth.  
I do, however, have a deep love for it. Because I love it I have written this parody.  
Please enjoy and review!!

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Once upon a time in the 80 s there lived a young girl named Sarah. She was around fifteen or sixteen and liked to dress up in medieval gowns and walk through the park acting out books.

"Oh my God, Lila!" she said, pretending to be Jessica Wakefield, "Bruce Patman is totally hot. I would love to ride him in his ..."

She paused for a moment and looked at her dog, Merlin, who was (of course) playing the part of Lila Fowler. "Dammit," she said, "I can never remember that line!"

She opened the book, "Oh ...I would love to ride in 1bruce1!"

Just then the church clock struck seven. "Holy hobbits! Merlin, I don t believe it, its seven o clock!"

Thus began a running montage. Sarah ran over bridges, pavements, roads, and people, barrelling down anything or anyone who got in her way. While she was running music played; It was Janie's Got a Gun by Aerosmith, namely the bit where Steven sings 'Run away, ruuuuunnnnnnn awayyy from the pai-ai-ai-ai-i-ain!'

When she arrived at her house, which was located in neither the poor nor rich part of town (so you can bet that John Hughes has nothing to do with this) the front door opened and her stepmother appeared to greet her.

"Oh Sarah! I was so worried about you! It said on the TV that an escaped convict just escaped and he targets young girls wearing medieval costumes! I was afraid you had been killed!"

Sarah stared defiantly at the horrid woman her father had married. How she had loved her real mother, Linda, who was currently living it up in L.A as a crack whore.

"Oh dear," her stepmother said, looking at the sky, "It s raining. Do you want to bring Merlin inside so he can be warm by the fire?"

"FINNNNE!!" Sarah screamed, "Merlin, go to the garage! GO!!!"

Merlin slunk off, tears pouring down his furry face.

Sarah pushed past her stepmother and into the house, treading muddy footprints everywhere.

"You know, darling, it you had wanted to stay out later we would have been happy to cancel our first romantic evening since the baby was born," her stepmother said.

"GOD!" Sarah cried, pausing on the stairs, "You go out EVERY night. It s not fair! WHAT IF I HAD PLANS?"

"Then I would sacrifice my marriage for you! her stepmother cried, I would like it if you had a date, you should have dates at your age!"

"What's Bruce then?" Sarah asked, jutting her chin angrily.

They both looked out of the window at the driveway where Bruce Patman, Sweet Valley's resident bad boy and tennis player, was polishing his car and stocking up on paper cups and wine.

"He's a figment of your imagination," the stepmother said sadly. All she could see out of the window was a decrepit homeless man rooting through their garbage.

"FIIIIIINNNNEE!" Sarah screamed, "I can t do anything right! Fuck you all!" With that she ran off to her bedroom and slammed the door behind her.

Her stepmother looked at Sarah s father with tears in her eyes. "She treats me like a wicked stepmother no matter what I say. I even bought her a Playstation 3 the other day, which hasn t even been invented yet, and she just stomped on it!"

Sarah's father sighed and handed baby Toby to his wife, "I'll talk to her!"

..................................

Sarah was in her room, talking to her mirror.  
"But Todd!" she breathed, fluttering her eyelashes, "Of course I m not Jessica!"

There was a knock at her door.

"PISS OFF!" she cried, throwing a china pot at the wall. It smashed over the sofa.

There was a whistle and then a man with a moustache sat up and looked at her. "Whew," he said, "has the war started?"

Sarah's eyes widened, "Sir you should have made yourself known, you are no gentleman!"

He laughed, "And you Miss are no lady."

He walked over to the window, "Telegram me sometime!" Then he disappeared.

Sarah blinked rapidly, her heart thundering in her bosom. She felt like a fluttering southern belle, like she might faint or open a lumber yard and steal her sister s beau. Not that she had a sister.

"Sarah, we need to talk!" her father said from behind the door.

She whirled around and glared at the offending door-voice. "What's there to talk about?" she asked.

Her father sighed, "Look, we've put Toby to bed and we're going to leave now. We ll be back around twelve!"

Sarah s face turned red and steam poured out of her ears, "YOU REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO ME, DIDN T YOU!" she screamed, flinging herself on her bed, which bounced her back off so that she landed on the floor.

It was then that she noticed her most prized possession, a Brandon Walsh Barbie that she had put make-up on and dressed in an evening gown, was missing from her shelf.

"Some a-hole has been in my room again," she hissed, getting to her feet. Didn t everyone know that touching her Beverly Hills dolls was the one thing she forbid above all other forbidden things. The list of which included; touching her sweet valley books, breathing near her food, insinuating that she was less than sane, looking at her in the wrong way, smelling like toast, asking her to baby-sit, playing Panic At the Disco anywhere she might hear it or sense it, being her stepmother, being her father, being a mouth-breathing baby named Toby and so on...

"IT'S NOT FAIR!" She yelled, kicking her door down, walking across the hall and kicking her parent s bedroom door down and then looming over Toby s cot like a PMS-ing bitch. Sure enough Toby was getting his baby spit all over Brandon-Barbie's head.

Sarah grabbed the doll and squealed at the big goop of spit that dropped off it and onto her foot. She growled at Toby who immediately started crying. It was more like wailing actually, and it made Sarah's ears bleed.

"You wanna story?" she asked, chucking the gross spitty doll in the bin. "Fine. I ll tell you a story." She crossed over to look in the mirror, her favourite pastime, "Once upon a time there was this awesomely beautiful girl named Sarah and she was so beautiful that she looked even better that Molly Ringwald at the Prom in Pretty in Pink. But her father and stepmother left her to take care of a stupid mouth-breathing baby all the time and the baby was cruel to her. It made her take out the garbage, set the table, do the ironing and wash the car. As well as that it routinely threw up and cried and slobbered all over everything!"

She glared at Toby and stole his nappy, which she then put on her head, "Yeah, he also poops everywhere. But what no one knew was that the King of the Goblins had fallen in love with the girl and he had given her certain powers. And so one night, when the baby's poop had been particularly smelly, she called on the goblins for help."

Sarah picked Toby up and crossed over to the side of the room that had dramatic smoke and lightening effects. She held the squirming baby high over her head.

"GOBLIN KING, Goblin King, wherever you may be, take this child far away from me!!!"

Suddenly there was a cut to a room filled with goblins. "Where'd she learn that crap?" one asked, "It doesn t even start with I wish !" "And she didn t sacrifice a virginal goat," said another, looking around at his comrades, "Or did we get rid of that clause? I can t remember ."

The camera cut back to Sarah and Toby who were weathering a special effects storm.

"Oh fuck this," Sarah said, tossing Toby back in his crib. She stomped over to the door and then, in slow motion, turned back around to glare at Toby some more. "I wish the goblins would come and take you away," she said in a deep, ominous voice, "Right now!" Then she flicked the light switch up and down a couple of times and left to make some pop-tarts.

It was when she had eaten the pop-tarts, watched seven MTV music videos and spied on her next door neighbour, Jerry Dandridge, that she realised Toby had been completely silent for the past hour. Worried, she ran back up stairs and burst into the baby's room.

"TOBY!" she cried, "Why aren t you crying?"

She approached the crib and tentatively pulled back the blankets to reveal.... Mini-me.  
"Urrgh!" she cried, dropping the blankets back over him. "Where the frack is Toby? Did you take him?" she pointed to a small man with long hair and a beard who appeared to be making out with thin air. "Did you take him, huh, Gaius Frakking Baltar?"

The man jumped, and looked around his surroundings in confusion, "Right," he said in an English accent, "Obviously I am insane today or it s a Cylon trap... Jesus Christ!"

Another bearded man popped out of midair, "You called?" he asked, eating a snickers.

"Frak me!" Baltar exclaimed, "We could be twins. Tell me, do you have a blonde cylon ho-bag as a girlfriend too?"

Sarah rolled her eyes; obviously they were on the wrong set. She looked wildly around the room and noticed several small, hairy puppets running around and banging into things. "Jeez it's the Muppet pub-crawl again, isn t it?" she asked, "I've told you before; I'm not cleaning up your felt and fluffy insides again!"

Just then an owl burst in through the window as lightening cracked across the sky and Robin Williams raced up the stairs to see if Hook had kidnapped his kids. When the owl turned into a lycra-clad David Bowie he blushed, "Sorry, my mistake. You definetly aren t Dustin Hoffman!"

Sarah looked at the man who had just appeared before her in really tight leggings. "Wow," she breathed. He was sexy, skinny, blonde, eighties, ethereal, English and totally awesome. He could only be, "Ar... are you the Goblin King presently known as Jareth?"

He smiled, "Of course. P.S I took your baby. So here, this is a marble and if you wave it around in the air like this it will show you your dreams," he wiggled the marble in front of her face, "Do you want it?"

Sarah looked suggestively at the bulge in the front of his pants, "You know what I want," she said, licking her lips.

Jareth blushed and covered that area with a conveniently placed goblin, "Then forget the baby," he said.

"BUT I CAN'T!" Sarah wailed suddenly, remembering that she was a fifteen year old girl and not a horny bitch, "Please give him back, he must be so scared!"

"What's said is said," Jareth warned, "P.S don t defy me!" He turned the marble into a snake and threw it at her. Sarah squealed at then squealed again as it turned into a poncho. God she HATED those things.

"I CAN'T!" she cried, "I have to get him back, please tell me where he is!"

"He's there," Jareth pointed out of the window to a maze where four students dressed in wizarding robes and carrying wands were about to compete for the Tri-wizard cup.

"Hogwarts?" Sarah asked, "COOL!"

"Oops, sorry," Jareth clicked his fingers and the scene changed to a huge LABYRINTH that glittered and twinkled in the orangey light. In the centre of the Labyrinth was a castle and over the castle was a sign that read TOBY = HERE .

"Is that the castle at the centre of the Labyrinth?" Sarah asked hesitantly.

"You have 13 hours in which to solve the Labyrinth," Jareth said, indicating a clock upon the face of which he had written the number 13 with a sharpie. "Or your baby brother becomes one of us ...forever ....."

"What, like a glam rock star?" Sarah asked, thinking that could be cool.

"No!" Jareth snapped, "A goblin... such a pity" . Then he faded away with the clock.

Sarah sighed and stared out at the Labyrinth before looking down at her feet, which were abnormally large and hairy. Her father said she had inherited them from her great grandfather, Samwise Gamgee.

"Well, come on feet!" She said, setting off on her adventure.

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To be continued.............


	2. Chapter 2

PART TWO

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Sarah tumbled down the hill crying "My sweet Westley what have I done?" to the blond man who was lying at the bottom.

When she reached him she stared lovingly into his eyes and leaned in for a kiss.

"Hold it right there bitch!" a woman's voice said.

Sarah turned around to see a beautiful blonde princess with a pissed off expression standing right behind her.

"He's mine!" the princess said, "Get your own 'Dread Pirate Roberts who is secretly Westley'!" With that she shoved Sarah out of the way and proceeded to make out with the blond man.

Sarah hmmphed and stalked off to wander around the outer wall of the Labyrinth, looking for a way in. She soon came across a bar run by a Mexican with a moustache. The only patron was a creepy little dwarf-like creature.

"He was pissing on the bar, on the bartender, he was pissing EVERYWHERE except the fucking glass," the creature said, a smile on his face. The bartender looked unimpressed.

"Um…Quentin Tarantino?" Sarah asked, approaching the creature.

It scowled, "No…precioussss…"

"Oh I get it!" she cried happily, "You're Gollum, cool! Just don't feed me to any spiders okay?"

"Listen ho-bag," the creature spat, draining its mug of beer, "My name is Dobby, you get that?"

"Right," she said, "Hogwart!"

"DOBBY!" It screamed, its face turning purple.

"Whatever," she said. "Do you know where the door is?"

"The door to what?" Dobby asked.

"To the Labyrinth!"

"What's that?" Dobby asked, circling his index finger around his ear to show anyone who was watching that he thought she was crazy.

"The LABYRINTH belonging to the Goblin King Currently Known as Jareth!" she pointed to the wall upon which someone had graffitied 'The Labyrinth Sucks!'. "This is the outer wall. HOW. DO. I. GET. IN?"

"Fuck yourself!" Dobby said, ordering another beer.

Suddenly a beautiful little fairy flew into Sarah's face.

"Oh how cute!" she exclaimed.

"MOVE BITCH!" The fairy screamed in its tiny voice, punching her in the face and spitting on her shoes.

"I thought fairies were supposed to do nice things," Sarah lamented, "Like granting wishes."

"Then, FYI, you are a shit-head." Dobby announced.

"How do I get in to the Labyrinth?" Sarah whined.

Dobby perked up, his ears standing to attention, "Aaaah!" he breathed mysteriously, "You gets in…there!"

Sarah looked at where he was pointing. There was a door surrounded by tourists. A ticket-booth proclaimed that it cost twenty pounds for a castle tour and five pounds extra for your own 'ballroom in a bubble' scene.

"Y' gonna buy a ticket?" Dobby asked, licking a calypso ice-lolly.

Sarah didn't hear him. She shoved past all the tourists and looked dumbly at the doors, which were still closed. "OPEN SESAME!" she screamed, kicking them and stubbing her toe which caused her to hop around like a psychopath for like twenty minutes.

"You can buy a ticket right there," Dobby pointed out.

"Quiet Higgle," Sarah ordered.

"DOBBY!" Dobby insisted.

"HOGGLE!" Sarah screamed.

"FUCK YOU!" Dobby cried, stamping on her stubbed toe.

"AAAARRGGHHH!" Sarah cried, hopping madly. "What is your problem dwarf? Open the doors, that's what you're supposed to do!"

Dobby gave an aggrieved sigh and stuck out his bony, knobbly arms to push the doors open. As they opened a shower of rainbow glitter rained down on them, making them sparkle and shine.

"So gay…" Dobby muttered.

"So do I go left or right?" Sarah asked once they had stepped into the Labyrinth, blatantly ignoring the sign that proclaimed 'Turn Left For Quick Route To Castle (Good if you have a baby to save!)'.

"Who gives a crap?" Dobby asked.

"Well, which way would you go?"

"Me?" Dobby looked incredulous, "I would obviously buy a ticket at the ticket-booth and take the mini-bus up to the castle. It takes ten minutes, tops."

Sarah rolled her eyes, "If that's all the help you're going to be, you can just PISS OFF!"

"Fine bitch," Dobby said, lighting a cigarette and taking a cool puff, "Fuck shit up by yourself! P.S don't take things for granted!"

"Like what?" Sarah cried.

"LIKE ME!" Dobby stuck his tongue out at her and then departed, the doors closing behind him.

"FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!" Sarah screamed.

She looked around and, realising she was alone, decided to disco dance down the glittery path, taking the right turn.

"And now I'm back!" she sang, tunelessly, "From outer-space. I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face…"

When she had finished that song and done a medley of the Spice Girls greatest hits Sarah realised that she had been following the same long path for a long, long, long time.

"Shit," she muttered, "This shit ain't right! There aren't any turns or corners or public toilets or anything! It just goes on and on…"

Suddenly Dobby's voice echoed in her head; 'He was pissing on the bar…on the bartender…"

Sarah gasped, "Maybe there are openings!" she exclaimed, "Maybe I'm just taking it for granted that there aren't!"

With that realisation she began to boogie down the path once more, keeping an eye out for turns. When another millennium had passed and she still hadn't found a turn Sarah let out a petulant scream and flopped onto the floor, jabbing her butt with a rock.

"Ello!" a deep, growly voice said in her ear.

Sarah turned around to see the dude who played Norman Osborn in Spiderman and Jesus Christ in The Last Temptation of Christ staring at her. He was wearing a red scarf and smiling dopily.

"OMG!" she cried, wishing she had her autograph book, "You're Willem Dafoe aren't you?"

He shook his head, "Actually I'm the Willem Dafoe currently known as Willem the Worm but that's close enough," he smiled kindly, seeming to sense her depression. "Why don't you come in and have a cup of liquorice and peppermint herbal tea with me and the missus?"

Sarah made an 'eww' face, "Um…I don't drink shit," she told him, "And I don't have time for that. I have to make my way through this Labyrinth but there are no turns or corners or anything it just goes ON AND ON! It's not fair!"

Willem the Worm tutted sadly, "Of course there are turns, It's just you ain't seeing them. Look, there's one right in front of you!"

Sarah looked, all she could see was a big, fat wall. "No there isn't!" she protested.

"Of course there is, you try walking through it, you'll see what I mean!"

Sarah stood up and walked towards the wall, "But…" she turned to look at Willem.

"Take it at a run," he advised.

Sarah stepped back, as far away as she could, and then hurtled forward, slamming herself into the wall and cracking her head.

Willem the Worm burst into peals of laughter, "LOL bitch, I was just kidding. The first turn is right there," he pointed to an actual turn, complete with a sign post stating 'Gift Shop This Way'. There was a left turn right beside it with a signpost stating 'Castle'.

Sarah (for once in her retarded life) started to take the left turn.

"Wait a moment!" Willem the Worm cried, "Don't go that way!"

Sarah, who obviously wasn't aware of the existence of the word 'WHY', smiled and said "Thanks!" before turning right instead and continuing on her way.

….

The Goblin King currently known as Jareth looked at the baby blubbering on his floor. The goblins were surrounding it, reading passages from the book 'Nancy Drew and the Secret Something or Other'.

"Nancy opened the doors of the cupboard slowly, her heart beating fast," read on of the goblins, "She peered inside and saw….a dead body!"

"OOOOOoooohhh!" gasped the rest of the Goblins. Toby burped and threw up.

Jareth rolled his heavily made-up, mismatched, cool, icy, sensual, secretive, mysterious, multicoloured eyes. He kicked a dozen or so goblins out of the way and barked a few death threats at them for good measure and then picked up Toby.

"I suppose you're expecting a song, aren't you?" he asked, looking at the baby's chubby little face.

Toby nodded.

"Well tough shit," Jareth said. "You don't always get what you want," he advised before tossing Toby onto his throne and turning to one of the slightly less idiotic goblins he had in his service.

"Die a horrible painful death by sticking a lacrosse stick up your ass and then poke your eyes out with a fork!" he said.

The goblin, who, for your information, was Dobby, burst into tears. That was his fifth death threat that day. He was seriously considering writing to S.P.E.W.

"God!" Jareth cried in disgust, looking down at the snivelling creature, "Why am I constantly surrounded by fucking goblins and shit?"

Nobody offered him an explanation. Two goblins started an orgy in the corner and those that weren't enthralled by Nancy Drew went to join in. Jareth stared at the clock and tried to remember what the hell was going on.

…

Sarah drew an arrow on the ground using her lip-gloss (colour; Red Magic) and then boogied on her way. A few dance steps later she drew another one, and then another. It was only when she realised that she had just been boogying around the same little courtyard that she threw her lip-gloss on the floor in frustration.

She turned to see an old caretaker rubbing out the arrow she had just drawn.

"Someone's been changing my marks!" she cried indignantly, "What a horrible place this is!"

"Look kid," the caretaker said, sighing at getting to his feet. "Read that sign!"

Sarah looked to where he was pointing. The sign read 'No Drawing Arrows on the Ground to Make Shit Easier'.

Sarah rolled her eyes and pouted, "That is fucked up, yo!"

She turned back to yell at the caretaker some more only to find that he had disappeared, replaced by Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, who were standing guard in front of two old, mouldy doors.

"You weren't there before!" Sarah accused.

"Look behind you," Elizabeth advised, smiling sympathetically.

Sarah did. The walls behind her had joined together, leaving her with no way out of the courtyard except through the gross mouldy doors. "WHAT. THE. FUCK?" she mouthed, here eyes wide.

"She always lies," Elizabeth said, pointing to her twin sister. Jessica flipped her off and turned to Sarah.

"I do not," she protested, "I scheme and twist the truth to my own advantage," she paused and thought a little bit, "Maybe I also lie a little."

"Oh what a lie!" Elizabeth gasped.

"Oh go and whine to Enid!" Jessica snapped, blowing a raspberry flavour bubble.

"The question is," Elizabeth asked, "Which one of us had our bikini top untied in the pool by Bruce Patman in 'SVH: Playing with Fire'?"

"Oooh!" Sarah bit her nails in concentration, thinking hard about her collection of sweet valley books. It was true that she preferred SVU to SVH and so she hadn't read a lot of the high school ones for a while.

"Can I phone a friend?" she asked, wondering how many lifelines she had left.

"NO!" Jessica shouted.

Sarah scowled, "Fine. According to my memory Liz was molested by Bruce in a car not a swimming pool and, since Jessica is the slut it seems to me that she would be most likely to wear a string bikini so…" thunder rumbled dramatically, "I think the answer is Jessica, so the right door is right!"

"Are you sure?" Jessica asked sceptically.

"Yes! I'm right; I could never do that before!" Sarah cried, nudging the blonde girl out of the way and opening the door. She stepped through. "This is the first time in my life…I…aaaaiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!" she screamed as the floor opened up beneath her and she fell.

Falling, falling, falling, falling in love…until she found herself caught by some weird wrinkly hands.

"Urgh, let go, you're hurting!" she sobbed.

"We're groping," they corrected, "We're the groping hands. Would you like us to let go?" They dropped her.

"NO!" Sarah shouted. They grabbed her again, touching her in all the wrong places. Sarah felt violated but she couldn't give up. She had to save Toby!

"Which way do you want to go?" the groping hands inquired, "Up or down?"

"Well, since I'm pointing that way, I guess I'll go down." Sarah said, looking down into the dark depths of whatever. Up above her head the sun shone and the birds twittered. She steeled her nerves, "Definetly down."

The hands dropped her and she fell, fell, fell into the darkness below.

To be continued…

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(A/N) please review! And thank you for reading 


	3. Chapter 3

PART THREE

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Jareth looked into his crystal balls and smiled.

"She's in the oubliette!"

The goblins surrounding him cheered and orgasmed in happiness. "FUCK Yeeeeeaaah!" one cried.

"Shut the hell up," Jareth ordered, "She should not have gotten as far as the oubliette. She should have given up by now!"

A particularly opinionated goblin, by the name of Spanky, spoke up, "She'll never give up!" he predicted.

Jareth's face fell, "Won't she?" he asked, sighing.

"No." Spanky said.

"I've sent Dobby to mess with her shit. She'll soon give up when she realises she has to start all over again!" Jareth laughed heartily and then paused when he realised none of the gross little goblins were laughing.

Spanky raised an eyebrow at him, his wrinkly little hands on his hips, "Umm…no she won't!" he said in his high-pitched goblin voice.

"WHAT?" Jareth snapped. How dare a pathetic little poop-resembling creature disagree with him?

"Look," Spanky sighed, "Alls am sayin is that that bitch ain't gonna give up. She's a survivor. It's the eye of the tiger. It's the thrill of the fight."

"You're fired." Jareth said, sneering.

Spanky joined his two thumbs together and held up his fingers in the universal 'whatever' sign. "Whatever man," he drawled, turning to leave the castle and the goblin city forever. "Whatever."

He packed his little suitcase and set out on his way. Who knew where the road ahead would lead him. He would leave Jareth's kingdom and travel the world. He would cross over rivers and mountains searching for that rare pearl; a girl who would look past his goblin appearance and see the Zac Efron inside.

Jareth turned to his remaining goblins and glared at them. "Well, LAUGH!" he ordered.

They obeyed.

..

Sarah could see nothing but darkness. The ground beneath her felt muddy. Just to check, she picked some up and ate it. Sure enough it was muddy, muddy, mud. She threw up.

Suddenly there was the sound of a match striking and an ugly, leathery face appeared inches from her own.

"Let's make out!" the creature said.

"Urrgh!" Sarah cried, pushing him away "Go away Robert Pattinson!"

The creature sighed, "It's me you dumb bitch, DOBBY!"

"Yeah whatever, Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"

"DOBBY!" cried Dobby, "Spell it…D.O.B.B.Y!"

"Well what the fuck do you want?" Sarah snapped, "Can't you see I've just been molested by the groping hands? I'm not in the mood to talk to hideous warty freaks at the moment."

"YOU'RE IN AN OUBLIETTE!" Dobby screamed, going purple in the face.

"Oh," Sarah said, glancing around at the dirty cave walls. On one wall someone had written 'Wolf & Virginia 4eva'. Below it was written 'Wendell smells of dog-shit'. Sarah nodded, understanding.

"YOU don't even know what an oubliette is!" Dobby accused.

"And you do?" Sarah raised an eyebrow, "You don't know poo from pee!"

"Yes I do," he said indignantly, "An oubliette is a place of pure imagination. Take a look and you'll see into your imagination. We'll begin with a spin, travelling in the world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation."

"Are you on drugs?" Sarah inquired.

Dobby scowled and farted in her general direction.

"Look," she said, trying to be a little bit friendlier, "I'll give you this empty coca cola bottle if you'll show me the way back into the labyrinth."

"OOOooooaaaah!" Dobby salivated, "PLASTIC!" he glanced around to check there weren't any Jareth heads carved into the walls that could be listening in. "Well, er, okay." He took the bottle and shoved it down the front of his trousers. Then he laughed.

"Look!" he cried, gesturing to himself, "I look like Jareth now, get it?"

Sarah stared at him; her eyes wide like big dumb cow eyes. She didn't get it.

Dobby sighed; obviously his sophisticated humour was just too much for some people to handle. He walked over to the left wall and pulled open a wooden door that had just appeared. It opened to show a room filled with porn videos and magazines.

"Oops," he said, blushing. "That's my bedroom."

He closed the door and then opened it from the other side, "Ah…here we go!" he motioned for Sarah to step through.

They emerged from the oubliette into a twisting tunnel with a low ceiling. Carved onto the wall were enormous ugly faces.

"Vanessa Hudgens posed naked again!" One intoned dramatically.

"Pardon me?" Sarah asked.

"You might be pregnant!" Another advised, frowning disapprovingly.

Sarah put her hands on her hips and puffed her chest out angrily. "I'll have you know," she said, "I am yet to be de-virginified."

"Chuck from Gossip Girl might leave the show!" answered another face, a lonely teardrop on its cheek.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sarah cried, "He's my freakin favourite character!"

Dobby sighed, "Don't pay any attention to them. They're just false alarms; you get a lot of them in the Labyrinth. Especially when you're on the right track!"

"That hot guy…" one began.

"Oh shut the fuck up!" Dobby snapped, his wrinkles furrowing angrily.

"Aww please," the face said, "I haven't said it in such a long time!"

"FINE!" Dobby screeched, "But don't expect a big reaction."

The face turned sullen, "Well then I ain't fucking telling you. There's a stage leavin' at noon. BE ON IT!"

"Well of all the nerve," Dobby dragged Sarah past the face. She was still stuck on what the other face had said about Chuck and almost didn't notice the crystal ball that rolled past her feet.

Dobby did notice it. "Oh NO!" he cried, peeing his pants.

The crystal ball boogied over to where Steven Tyler sat, groovily playing his harmonica. There was a tin cup in front of him and the crystal plopped in to it. Steven looked up, his eyes alight with suspicion.

"I say," he said, "What have we here?"

"Er…nothin…" Dobby said, giving Sarah a good kick on the bum to keep her moving.

"Nothing?" asked Steven Tyler, standing up, "Nothing? Nothing, Tralalalalala?"

"What the fuck does taarlaaalara mean?" Sarah asked, misquoting.

Steven suddenly ripped away his skin to reveal that underneath, he was the Goblin King currently known as Jareth. He smiled in a sexy, wicked, naught, evil, conniving, charming way and approached the house elf.

"Harry," he sighed.

"Ron!" Sarah interjected, standing up for her smelly friend.

"DOBBY! Its DOBBY BITCHES!" Dobby screamed.

"Well Donny," Jareth sighed, "I thought I told you to take this dumb broad back to the beginning of the Labyrinth."

"Er…yeah well, fuck you." Dobby said, spitting on Jareth's boot. Jareth kicked him in the face.

"WHAT?" Sarah cried, losing all faith in the kindness of strangers. "Youuuuu betrayyyed meeeeeee!"

"No bitch, I wasn't going to do it. Are you deaf?" Dobby growled at her.

"What is that down your pants?" Jareth asked suddenly, looking at Dobby's newly large bulge.

"My bloody penis, pervert!" Dobby snapped.

Jareth narrowed his eyes and turned to walk sexily, smoothly and haughtily over to Sarah.

"And how about you Sarah?" he whispered, his breath a caress against her skin, "How are you enjoying my Labyrinth?"

Sarah tore her eyes away from his groin and stared at him defiantly. "Frankly, it sucks," she said. "You should get some clowns or something."

Jareth nodded in an irritated manner. He pointed at a clock which had just appeared out of nowhere. "Just for that you now have lost 5 hours 4 minutes and 2 seconds."

"That's not FAIR!" Sarah cried, "I was just being honest, don't you want honest customer response? Do you have a guestbook?"

Jareth ignored her and took some crystal balls out of his pockets.

"So you think the Labyrinth sucks do you?" he asked, raising his eyebrows dangerously. "Well….SUCK ON THIS, BITCH!"

He threw the balls and they turned into an old lady with a broom and a bottle of polish. Dobby screamed. How would they ever escape from the Cleaner?

……………………………..

To be continued!!


	4. Chapter 4

PART 4

……………………………………………………………………………

It was awful. They had lost all hope. There was no way now, Sarah knew, that she would be able to rescue her beloved baby brother, whom she cherished above all else. The end was nigh and she was soon to die….

"I thought you hated that baby?" Dobby asked.

Sarah frowned and relaxed out of her terribly dramatic pose. "Well I do," she said, "I just thought I ought to show the audience I was feeling some remorse you know, to show I am changing into a better person."

Dobby glanced around. He didn't see anything but poop-coloured walls. "Audience?" he questioned.

Sarah stood up, her hands on her hips, "Look, Dildo…" she began.

"DOBBY!" Dobby screamed, steam coming out his ears, "DOBBY!"

"Desiree," Sarah corrected idiotically. "Look Desiree, we're going to die in around two minutes, mauled to death by the cleaner, and I just wanted to let you know that you aren't totally gross. Only mostly gross."

"Well thank you sooo much," Dobby drawled sarcastically. To be honest, if she called him Desiree one more time he was gonna kidnap her and then sell her virginity on ebay to the highest bidder. At least he knew Jareth would pay shit-loads.

Sarah looked down the underground corridor. The Cleaner had stopped for a moment to scrub at a very suspicious looking stain a few metres from them.

"OHHHHH GODDDDD!" Sarah screamed, "We have to think of something! She's going TO KILL US!!"

The Cleaner looked up, a puzzled smile on her homely face, "Ahh, Miss Sarah, is you wanting your home cleaned for the special occasion of your family's party?" she asked.

Sarah peed her pants. "OMG! Dumbledore, run!" She grabbed hold of Dobby's spindly arm and took off, dragging him like a doll behind her.

"It's DOBBY BITCH!" Dobby cried as she whacked him off various rocks that stuck out of the walls.

Finally they reached a door. It was old and slimy. There was a skeleton resting against it, its bony fingers still twined around the handle it had desperately been trying to open. Whoever the skeleton was, he had lost his life in the hands of the Cleaner. Sarah shivered.

"OPEN SESAME!" she screamed, kicking the skeleton out of the way.

"FYI, bitch, that obviously doesn't work," Dobby said, picking a bit of lint off of his potato-sack clothing (label: Gucci). "Don't you remember you tried it at the Labyrinth entrance?"

"STOP BRINGING ME DOWN!" Sarah screamed, more terrified than she had ever been in her life. The Cleaner was now sweeping the floor around them.

"'Scuse," the Cleaner said, "I need to get that spot."

Dobby hopped out of the way and Sarah grabbed him mid-hop, shoving him in front of the door.

"OPEN IT!" she yelled. "OPEN IT. OPEN IT! OPEN IT OR WE WILL DIE!"

Dobby sighed. Some people were so retarded. He took hold of the handle with his knobbly fingers and opened the door. Sarah ran into the room it revealed, screaming and banging into walls like a headless chicken.

Dobby waited until she was done, calmly eating a chicken wrap and drinking a frappe latte. He had all day to wait, if he wanted. She however, didn't.

"Yo, Dumbass," he sneered, chucking the rubbish on the floor just to spite Jareth. "You only have limited time, remember. Spazz out later!"

Just then the Goblin King currently known as Jareth (But formerly, about 200 years ago, known as Ronaldo) appeared. He looked hot, sexy, delicious, and desirable. Sarah immediately went all gooey and wobbled on the floor as he stalked over to them.

"Er, terribly sorry," he said, batting his eyelashes. Maybe he was born with it, maybe its maybelline. "But I forgot to mention, Dudley, that if you fuck with my shit I will cast you ass-first into the Bog of Eternal Stench."

"Is that all?" Dobby asked, filing his nails.

Jareth thought for a moment, "Also….eat dog faeces and DIEEEEEE!" he cried a second later before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

"What a Poof!" Dobby remarked.

Now that Jareth had left Sarah managed to pull herself back together. "Lets climb those ladders!" she said, pointing to some old ladders that led up to a circle of daylight.

There was a sign beside the ladder that read 'Old. Extremely unstable. Almost Certain Death. Don't Climb. I'm Warning You.'

Dobby looked at it carefully. Jareth had obviously written it because the ink was pink and sparkly.

"I'll go first," he said, shoving Sarah out of the way and grabbing a rung. If she was going to fall to her death he didn't plan on going with her. In fact, he couldn't quite figure out why he was still hanging around with her anyway.

"I will totally ditch her ass at the top," he muttered to himself.

"What was that?" Sarah snapped.

"Nothing, nothing," Dobby reassured her.

They began climbing. It was boring, so Dobby sang the songs from High School Musical 3 in his head.

"What's the Bog of Eternal Stench?" Sarah inquired suddenly.

"A BOG," Dobby explained impatiently, "Of ETERNAL STENCH."

"Well what does it do?"

"IT SMELLS!" Dobby cried, accidentally on purpose kicking her in the face as they climbed.

Sarah considered this for a moment, "Are you Jareth's bitch?" she then asked, her voice innocent.

Dobby threw up. "No! I'm his slave."

"Well what kind of position is that?" Sarah inquired, thinking it would probably be a lot more fun to be Jareth's bitch than his slave. At least then you would get to have sex with him…in a way…she giggled. "He is sooooo finnne!"

"NO POSITION!" Dobby screamed, "I WAS BETTER OFF WORKING AT HOGWARTS! At least Harry loved me!" he burst into tears, "And Winky was all kinds of hot!"

"I don't even know what the fuck you are on about, Debbie," Sarah said. They were nearly at the top, she could smell the fresh air.

When they emerged out of a giant kettle it was like being born again. The air smelt of spring and lambs and daisies and dreams. It was beautiful.

"TTYL, bitch," Dobby said, strutting off.

"Wait a minute!" Sarah cried, "You can't leave now!"

"And why the fuck not?" Dobby asked, "You don't own me. I have RIGHTS! Just ask Hermione!"

"You said you would take me to the castle and then save Toby for me while I have a burger and shake at the Goblin Café!" Sarah insisted, her eyes wide.

"I said no such thing," Dobby said. He only promised shit like that when he had been drinking Buckfast….and he hadn't. He hadn't had Buckfast since his days as a teenage delinquent, when he and the other Malfoy house elves would get their groove on in Lucius's study. One time he had puked in the desk drawer and then left it there. Mr Malfoy's face the next morning had been priceless.

Dobby sighed happily. Ahhhh….memories….

"Are you having a flashback?" Sarah asked, her hands on her hips, "Is your stupid life more important than helping me find my BROTHER?"

Dobby glared at her, "What do you think?"

Suddenly, without warning, she grabbed his bag of dirty socks and dangled them above his head. "Ha! Ha!" she cried.

"NOOOO!" Dobby screamed, "That's not fair!"

"That's right," Sarah said, having a random epiphany, "It's not fair….but that's the way it is!" She gazed around in wonder, "And we all die….but that's the way it is! And some guys DO just want in your pants…..But that's the way it is. And I failed my maths test because I didn't study…but that's just the WAY IT IS!"

Dobby wished he had a gun, or even a fork.

"YOU'RE TAKING ME TO THE CASTLE DIPSHIT!" Sarah cried triumphantly, "COS THAT'S THE WAY IT IS!"

Dobby groaned and resigned himself to a couple of hours of following an idiot around. At least it was better than playing Chess with Jareth who, whenever he lost, made Dobby eat every single chess piece. They were a nightmare to poop out.

He really hated his life….

……………………..

To be continued!


	5. Chapter 5

PART FIVE

………………………………….

Sarah and Dobby stood idiotically beside the kettle they had just climbed out of. Sarah was trying to figure out which way to go and Dobby was trying to figure out how far away the next conveniently placed trapdoor-that-led-to-an-oubliette was. So that he could chuck Sarah down it, of course.

"I NEED A MAP!" Sarah cried, "Or some flags…LIKE ORIENTEERING!"

"They sold guide maps and 'History of the Labyrinth' pamphlets at the gate if you had bothered to USE YOUR THICK HEAD AND BUY ONE!" Dobby shouted.

"Wateva, Deepika," Sarah said, cocking her hips in an obnoxious teenage manner.

"Dobby," Dobby muttered.

"Doreen," Sarah muttered back.

"Dobby!"

"DELILAH!"

"How would you feel if I called you SAMOSA?" Dobby cried, his blood pressure rising.

"Shut it, Dickhead." Suddenly Sarah gasped and pointed to something that was approaching them. "What's THAT?" she cried in terrified awe.

Dobby squinted at it. "It's a Tesco Delivery Van, idiot."

"Ohhhhh…" Sarah sighed despondently, "I thought it might be some gypsies selling babies so that I could buy one and take it home to stand in for Toby so that I wouldn't have to complete this stupid Labyrinth and could just get back to watching MTV and eating popcorn chicken."

Dobby stared at her.

The Tesco Van pulled up beside them and a wizened old man with an exceptionally long beard peered out from the Driver's seat. There was a bird pooping on his head.

"The way forward is sometimes the way back!" he said, sagely.

"What a load of bollocks," Dobby muttered.

"Aww…shit.." the pooping bird muttered.

"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered I have strived to drive this van to the castle at the centre of the Labyrinth to deliver an order containing five eggs, two radishes, some wet celery and a flying helmet…but alas I am lost…"

"Will you listen to this crap?" the bird said, pooping again.

"Is that bird a hat?" Sarah asked.

"No," the wise driver glared at her, "It's a fucking bird that landed on my head and now shits everywhere and won't get off!"

"Moron," Dobby muttered.

"It's so stimulating shitting on your head," the bird interjected.

"Look," Sarah said, "I'll give you my virginity if you tell me how to get through this Labyrinth!"

The Tesco Driver raised a grey eyebrow, "Sometimes it seems like we're not going anywhere when in fact…we ARE!"

There was a long moment while everyone digested this wise advice. The bird farted.

"Oh well," Sarah began to take off her clothes.

"What the fuck, bitch?" Dobby shielded his eyes. "He didn't tell you nothin!"

"He told me more than you!" Sarah screamed, "You…YOU WRINKLY GRAPE!"

Half an hour later Sarah was officially deflowered and Dobby was officially traumatised for the rest of his life. Not even catching Draco Malfoy 'polishing his wand' had been as utterly traumatising as Sarah and the Tesco driver. He wanted to kill himself, he wanted to write poetry about how horrible it was and post it on the internet. He wanted to blog…about his feelings.

They continued on their epic journey, Sarah walking a little bow-legged, until they heard a great roar and then some giggling and then another roar.

Dobby froze, he had heard of the great Giggling Roaring Monster before and nothing he had heard in the darkness of the Goblin Strip Clubs had been good.

"Fuck this shit," he said. "TTYL Fr Real BEEATCH!"

He began to walk away.

"Are you my friend or not?" Sarah asked tearfully, her mascara running.

Dobby pretended to consider the question really hard.

"Uhhhh…..NOT!" he said, laughing manically. "Smell ya later!"

Then he ran away.

"What an asshole," Sarah said to herself, "Well I'm not afraid…I'm not a stupid scaredy bitch named Davidoff!"

"DOBBY!" Shouted Dobby, from very far away.

Sarah peered around the hedge and saw what had been making the horrible roaring noise. It was a big green man with huge muscles and tight purple shorts.

"The HULK?" She asked, disbelievingly.

The Hulk nodded sadly; alas it was still not widely known that he preferred to be called Mr Hulk.

"So are you Eric Bana or Ed Norton," Sarah asked, checking him out. "Cos honestly I wouldn't touch Ed with a ten foot pole. I'll leave him to people like Liv Tyler. But if you're Eric Bana you can take my second virginity."

The Hulk nodded and drooled, reaching to grope her ass.

"Woah Nelly," Sarah cried, "Hold on there. We can only do it once we've saved Toby. My name's Sarah BTW."

"Sawah…." The Hulk contemplated this word, "Sawah…Sawah fwend!"

"Yes, that's right retard!" Sarah nodded, smiling, "Sarah friend…and maybe a little bit more!"

They smiled at each other, the promise of momentary pleasure and fleeting love in each others eyes. Then they turned towards the two doors that had appeared on the wall next to them.

The next stage of Sarah's journey had begun. Just like Britney Spears she was no longer a girl, but not yet a woman.

……………….

To be continued…


	6. Chapter 6

PART SIX

* * *

On the doors, Sarah noticed suddenly, were two hideous faces. Well, actually, they were duplicate copies of the same hideous face, except one had a ring through its mouth and the other had a ring through its ears.

"OMG!" she squealed, poking the Hulk in his muscular green shoulder. "It's TYRA!"

"Fwend?" Asked the Hulk, dumbly.

"No not friend you mentally-challenged giant mutated freak," Sarah sighed impatiently. "It's TYRA BANKS! My idol!"

"It ain't fierce to stare!" said the Tyra head with the ring through its ears.

"Oh…" Sarah said, "I was just wondering if it was too late to enter the 'Selfish Bitches' themed season of Top Model?"

"BLAHHH BLAH BLAH!" said the Tyra with the ring in its mouth.

"Girl!" said the other Tyra, "Don't be talking with yo mouth full!"

"I don't know what the fuck she's saying," Sarah said.

She walked over and pulled the ring out of the Left Tyra's mouth.

"What were you chattin bout?" she inquired.

"Girl, that was ma fashion accessory. I was workin that ring!"

"Oh please," said the other Tyra, "Look honey," she addressed Sarah. "That outfit is just sooo 1986. Try getting rid of the waistcoat. You look like an English Lord or somethin!"

Sarah obeyed, throwing the waistcoat at the Hulk (who then put it on to hide his green man-boobs).

"No take that funny-ass shirt and tear the sleeves off…then unbutton your bra and tie the tails."

Sarah obeyed.

"Now take that random clip off the side o'your head and tie that hair back in a ponytail. Models need to show their faces you know…be a 'clean canvas'."

Once Sarah had done these things the two Tyras looked at each other and hmmm-hmmed approvingly.

"Now WORK IT Girlfriend," Right Tyra advised, "Give it some Ooomph!"

"We'll do an impromptu Top Model audition," said Left Tyra, "Tell us about yourself, and why you wanna be a Top Model and if we like you we'll send you through the Right door…if we hate your skanky ass we'll send you Left."

Sarah's heart began to race in her chest. This was the one chance! The moment she had dreamed of since she first caught the reruns of cycle two on a TV from the future which had been dropped by aliens into her backyard.

"My life has been so hard," she began, a little tear wetting her eyelashes, her lower lip trembling tragically. "I was raised in a broken home, my father was always at work and my stepmother treated me like I was a Black Sheep. She kept me in a pen, in a field and made me eat hay. Then she shaved my hair every year to make it into rugs and shit to sell at the market."

She took a dramatic pause.

"She had a baby, my half brother Tobias, and immediately she and my father loved it so much more than me. They went out boozing every night though and left me to take care of him. He would order me around and laugh as I struggled to clean his poopy diapers. He used to whip me if I answered back or forgot to give him his milk on time. I…I still have nightmares about it!"

One of the Tyras began to sob sympathetically, "Girl, I can relate.." she said.

"I want to be America's Next Top model because I wanna show every kept-slave girl out there that just because she has to clean shit and hoover and take out the garbage and baby-sit, just because she is unloved and unwanted it doesn't mean she isn't FIERCE! I wanna show everyone that I can WORK IT. I can BRING IT. Hell, I AM AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL BABYYY!"

"WORD!" Said Left Tyra.

"Well," said Right Tyra, "One beautiful girl stands before me. I have no picture to give you since we haven't done a photo shoot and I am currently a door knocker and have no hands. However, your story has been suitably tragic and therefore you have the only ingredient necessary to get on my show…."

There was a dramatic pause.

"Congratulations Sarah, you may proceed through the Right Door and, when you have whooped Jareth's Skanky ass, you may take your place with the other finalists in…NEW YORK!"

"HELL YEAH GIRLFIEND!" Sarah jumped up and down and high fived the Hulk. Then she walked over to the door and pushed it open, dragging the Hulk through behind her.

..................

Meanwhile the Goblin King currently known as Jareth (But 20 years ago known for two months as Archibald) was rocking Toby on his knee.

"You're a gross looking baby," he observed, staring at Toby through his mismatched eyes, "I think I'll call you Miley Cyrus."

Toby threw up.

* * *

"Hulk scared…" said the Hulk.

"What the fuck, you big baby?" Sarah looked at him in disbelief. "Grow some balls."

"Hold my hand?" the Hulk asked, looking at her with big puppy-dog eyes.

"Fuck no."

Sarah brushed past him and charged ahead. "Imagine a big lumpy brain-dead Sylvester Stallone thing like you being scared!"

The Hulk Grunted.

"See bitch, there's nothing to be afraid of."

No one replied. In fact, the whole forest had gone silent. Sarah whirled around to see that The Hulk had disappeared. In fact the only thing remaining were his purple shorts which lay pathetically on the ground where he had stood. They were wet.

"Well I guess he pissed his pants and then ran off 'cause he's too much of a pansy to admit it," Sarah sighed, "DAVINA! HELP!"

................

"Fuck that!" Dobby muttered, hearing Sarah's cries, "I ain't helping that bitch!"

"DILWEED, HEEELLLLLPPP!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH!" Dobby screamed, hoping his voice would carry.

Suddenly Jareth materialised right in front of him, invading his space.

"Well," Jareth said, "If it isn't you."

Dobby pushed him out of his personal bubble, "Woah, jerkface. This is my dance space and that is yours!"

Jareth ignored him, "And where are you going?"

Dobby looked at him, his beady eyes narrowing. "I'm going home. To watch Porn and eat cheetos. Where are YOU going?"

"I see," Jareth said, apparently deaf. "For one moment I thought you were running to help her…but, er, no. Not after my warnings. That would be stupid."

"Me? Help her?" Dobby snorted, "That'll be the day. Now piss off you big Drag Queen."

"Oh dear, Poor Diarrhoea," Jareth shook his head sympathetically.

"DOBBY!" cried Dobby.

"I've just noticed your unusually large penis is missing."

"Yeah well, Sarah stole it." Dobby put his hands on his hips. "You Goddam pervert." He shook his head and turned to leave. There was no way he was putting up with any more of this bullshit."

"Wait Diddy!" Jareth commanded. He threw a vial of powder to Dobby, who caught it. "Slip this in her drink."

"Er...what is it?" Dobby inquired, vaguely interested despite himself.

"A date rape drug," Jareth said innocently.

"Oh for fuck sake, I ain't giving it to her!"

"Come Come Dooby, I'm surprised at you. Losing your head over a girl!" Jareth smirked at him, obviously amused.

"I AIN'T LOST MY HEAD; I just don't want to get within ten metres of the bitch!" Dobby was getting really angry. His face was turning purple, like a grape.

"You'll give her that Dodo, or I'll chuck you straight into the bog of eternal stench…and then Winky will NEVER date you!" Jareth laughed evilly.

"FINNE!" Dobby screamed, tears streaming down his face as he thought of his beloved Winky and the provocative house elf underwear he had bought her for Christmas.

"And Dairy-milk, if she ever kisses you…I'll turn you into a Prince!"

"Really? Dobby asked, his eyes going big with dreams of castles and knights and jousting tournaments.

"Fuck NO!" Jareth said, laughing hysterically and then disappearing.

Dobby sighed and began to walk towards the direction of Sarah's voice. He wished someone would wish him away. He wished Jareth wasn't such an asswipe. He wished he had a tuna-melt panini.

…………………….

(TBC)


	7. Chapter 7

PART SEVEN

* * *

"Hulk!" Sarah cried, her cries growing ever more desperate. The truth was that, though she had mercilessly made fun of the Hulk for being scared, she herself was just a big girl's blouse.

"Dobber! Help!" she screamed, tears smearing mascara down her face.

She was alone in some weird dark forest. The trees had faces, there were English guys building some kind of fort and a Native American girl sat on a log playing with a compass.

"Oh what should I do?" Sarah asked herself (and hoped someone else would answer).

Suddenly one of the trees began to sing. It was an old tree with wrinkles and a grandmotherly face.

"Listen with your heart, you will understand," it said, smiling kindly.

Sarah perked up.

"Let it break upon you like a wave upon the sand…"

"Oh, thank you for the advice Grandmother Willow!" Sarah cried, wiping her tears away and hugging the thick tree trunk.

"I wasn't talking to you slut, I was talking to Pocahontas!"

The Native American girl looked up, "Oh sorry Grandmother, I was just chattin on my ibook."

"Damn those pale-skins!" cried the tree.

"Why is your grandmother a tree?" Sarah asked, trying to get her head around it.

"BECAUSE…" the tree said really slowly, so dumb idiots could understand her, "her GRANDFATHER and I had a VERY SPECIAL kind of relationship."

Sarah made an 'eww' face and backed off. She began to wander in the opposite direction, still calling for Dobby and the Hulk.

Just then two ghostly spectres appeared in front of Sarah. They were white and semi-see through and appeared to be two of Jim Henson's Muppets.

"Scrooge!" they bellowed, pointing at Sarah with accusing fingers.

"Sarah," said Sarah.

But the Ghostly Muppets ignored her and began to sing; "Doomed Scrooge! You're doomed for all time! Your future is a horror story written by your crime!"

"FUCK YOU!" Sarah screamed, "I'm gonna win America's Next Top model!"

"Your chains are forged, by what you say and do!"

"SHUT UP UNDIGESTED CHEESE!" Sarah yelled and chains shot out from nowhere to surround her, weighing her body down until she could take it no longer. Summoning her courage she broke free, pushing past the singing Muppets and on, on to her freedom.

But the Muppets would not let her escape, they zoomed after her like motorbikes chasing a hamster, singing and rapping her name.

Sarah sobbed as she ran, snot running down her face. Finally she reached a wall. She knew she had reached a wall because she ran smack into it, accidentally eating a little grub that lay on one of the bricks.

"Devdas, help!" she cried helplessly.

Suddenly a rope was flung over the top of the wall, hitting Sarah squarely in her left boob. "Watch out!" she called, "They're tender!"

"GRAB IT STUPID!" cried Dobby, sticking his head over the top of the wall.

Sarah obeyed and within the space of two minutes she was safe in the arms of Dobby. Who promptly dropped her and grumbled something about backache.

"Dee-Lite, you SAVED me!" she gushed, putting her big fat lips near Dobby's sallow, wrinkly cheek, "You've come to help me!"

"If you kiss me you'll be sleeping with the fishes," Dobby threatened (his favourite movie was the Godfather) "Got that Bitch?"

Sarah, for the purpose of the plot, conveniently either failed to hear him or stupidly thought he was kidding, and mashed her mouth against his skin, using a bit of tongue as she was extra grateful.

"What the fuck did I just say?" Dobby asked, pushing her off him.

Then the ground below them began to move. There was a rumbling sound and the bricks gave way. Sarah and Dobby slipped down onto a slide.

"Woot!" Sarah yelled, "Theme park!"

At the end of the slide they were dumped rather unceremoniously onto a ledge overlooking a farting, burping, gross green beast.

"Oh it's the HULK!" Sarah cried in relief. Then she noticed the bog itself and the smell. The horrible, toe-curling, vomit-inducing, Emma Watson-rivalling SMELL.

"Urgh! What is it?" Sarah asked, putting her hand over her nose.

"The Bog of Eternal Stench," Dobby told her, looking down at the bubbling water in disgust.

"Urgh, I've never smelt anything like it…it's like…" Sarah broke off, her face turning green.

Dobby stared at her, waiting for her to elaborate, "Yes?" he prompted, "It's like…?"

Sarah threw up.

"I have to wonder," Dobby said, "How, if you've never smelt ANYTHING like it…it can smell LIKE anything. It's inconceivable!"

Suddenly a moustachioed Spanish man popped in out of nowhere, "I do not think that means what you think it means…" he said, twirling his moustache mysteriously before disappearing again.

"Anyway," Dobby said, his eyes narrowing, "What the fuck did you kiss me for you horny bitch?"

"I wanted to get me some house-elf ass," Sarah said, checking out Dobby's rear end.

Dobby slapped her.

"I like it rough," she confessed.

Dobby threw up.

Then there was a scuffle and a rumble and the sharks fought the jets in a battle that ended with Sarah and Dobby falling off the ledge and onto the ground beside the Hulk.

"WTF?" Dobby said, upon seeing the big green dolt. "Is that the Green Giant Sweetcorn dude?"

"No, it's the Hulk," Sarah explained, "He's a friend with benefits."

"A WHAT?"

"Smells," contributed the Hulk.

"Yeah so do you," Dobby spat, glaring at the hideous beast.

"I HAVE TO SAVE TOBY!" Sarah randomly shouted, reminding the audience what the actual plot of the movie was.

Dobby rolled his eyes and pointed to a rickety old bridge that had been built in 1810 by the Goblins of North Goblin land after the great battle of Finnicus Forest and the defeat of the evil Lord Tomhanks. The ashes of all the brave goblins who had fallen in battle had been mixed into the cement to commemorate their bravery.

It was a very moving bridge.

"LET'S CROSS THAT MOTHERFUCKER!" Sarah screamed.

They ran at it, hope building in their hearts, only to be stopped by…..

………………………….

(TBC)


	8. Chapter 8

PART EIGHT

………………………………...

A little fox-dog that wore a beret and carried a stick.

"What ho!" it cried, waving the stick around and hitting Dobby in his manly area. "STOP I SAY!"

Sarah's face crumpled with disappointment, annoyance and period pain.

"But we HAVE to get across!" she whinged. "I don't have much time."

"Time before what?" Fox-Dog asked, his whiskery eyebrows raising as he sniffed the air. "Aha," he scrunched up his nose. "I live by my sense of smell and I smell that you have just started your period. No one may start their period without MY permission."

"Oh get the fuck outta my way!" cried Dobby, his family jewels still smarting. He hated fox-dogs. There were so many of them in the Labyrinth and they were all intolerable little smugs.

"LET ME CROSS THE BRIDGE!" Sarah cried, putting her hands on her hips. "I need to use the ladies! Plus Hulk thinks you're hott. He would totally do you if you let me cross the bridge."

Fox-Dog looked interested. "Really?" he stroked his moustache.

Sarah nodded emphatically. "Hells yeah. We can have a foursome."

Dobby threw up. "I think not."

Fox-Dog was intrigued however, he winked at the Hulk. "But alas, you forget my sacred vow my lady. I cannot let anyone who has started their period cross this bridge without my permission."

"OH NO!" Sarah wailed, flopping on the ground hopelessly. "Whatever shall we ever do. I'll never get my tampon in in time!"

"Oh for fucks sake!" Dobby cried. He wanted to slap them all silly. "May we have your permission you daft creature?"

Fox-Dog looked surprised. His eyes widened and his tail straightened. "Why….Of COURSE!"

Sarah jumped up and fist-pumped the air, "YES! I knew you could do it Diddle!"

Dobby glared at her and then ran across the bridge as fast as his little legs could carry him. Sarah began to follow him. She had almost reached the centre of the bridge when it began to crumble beneath her.

"AIYAAA!" she screamed, grabbing onto a tree branch as the bridge disintegrated.

"Oh sorry about that," Fox-Dog said. "It was made out of Sugar. There was no such thing as bricks back in 1810. They were actually illegal having been banned in 1736 by Pelvodoor, the second Goblin King. They didn't become legal again until 1920 and even then it took another thirty years until they were back in fashion. Some parts of the Goblin City old town are still made of sugar and, more commonly, shit and mud mixed with grass."

"As fascinating as that was," Dobby drawled from across the other side of the bog. "Can someone please think of a way to get the Shit head down?"

"There's a rope beside you!" Fox-Dog said, "Throw it to her!"

Dobby yawned and sat down on a bench, taking out his flask of tea. "Can't be arsed."

"DIGGORY!" Sarah screeched, "HEEELP MEEEEEE!"

Suddenly the Hulk snorted, it had had an idea. "MOOOOOOO!" it cried, "MOOOOOO!"

"What are you doing retard?" Sarah asked, her eyes wide with wonder.

"Are you addressing yourself?" Dobby asked bitterly, secretly wishing she would fall in the foul water.

"MOOOOOOO!" hulk cried again.

Suddenly a herd of cows appeared. They all walked one by one into the bog until they were creating a bridge beneath Sarah.

"That's incredible Hulk!" Sarah said, awed.

"Cows Fwends," Hulk said.

Sarah lowered herself onto the back of a cow and as her feet touched it it farted. The farts continued as she crossed to the other side. Hulk followed her and then came Fox-Dog, riding on the back of an actual dog.

Sarah, Fox-Dog and Hulk walked ahead. Dobby however lingered behind, clutching the date-rape drug in his knobby fingers. He was about to toss it into the bog when Jareth's voice spoke out of thin air.

"Slip it in her drink Dickweed or I'll slip it in _yours!"_

Dobby looked up and saw a cloud shaped like Jareth's face staring down at him.

"You Goddam sicko!" he shook his fist angrily up at the sky, "You god damn ladyboy."

* * *

A little while later they were all walking through a gorgeous, glittering forest. Fox-Dog and Hulk led the way, singing 'Because we want to' by Billie Piper and shaking their asses.

Sarah lagged behind making whining noises every five seconds. She was also dragging her feet and huffing and puffing. The idea she was trying to get across was that she was annoyed.

"I am sooo freaking thirsty!" she moaned, "I could drink Bobby Deol's spit right now. That's how thirsty I am!"

Dobby shuddered.

"Dheera isn't there a vending machine or something around here?"

The truth was that they had passed a vending machine a while back. It had been a Pepsi only vending machine. Because Pepsi was the choice of the new generation (and the inhabitants of the Labyrinth). Dobby had paid the extravagant price of one pound fifty for a bottle and then slipped the drug in it. He also spat in it for good measure. And put a little bug in it.

And a toenail he had found on the path.

"Here you are bitch," he said comfortingly, offering her the bottle.

Sarah was so happy she burst into noisy tears. Unscrewing the lid she gulped the drunk down, not taking a breath. When it was all finished she threw the bottle at Dobby.

"Put it in the bin Dabble," she ordered. "Littering is not acceptable in any universe."

"Ain't that the truth," Fox-Dog echoed.

Suddenly Sarah began to wobble where she stood. "Everything's boogying!" she gasped, reaching for a tree branch to steady herself. "Woooooooooo!"

Then she slumped down on the ground and closed her eyes as a bubble (sent to her by the power of Jareth's breath) popped on her face.

* * *

Suddenly she was in an awesome ballroom wearing an awesome ball gown. It had puffy sleeves like cotton wool and glitter everywhere. There was a song playing. It went like this:

"_You're such a sad girl,_

_I really hate you,_

_A kind of ugly girl,_

_Opening and closing…your thighs,_

_I'll place something,_

_In your eyes,_

_Bla bla blaaaa_

_Blaaaaaaaa_

_Within your eyes….."_

Sarah thought the song was bangin' and made a mental note to download the MP3.

She pushed her way through the dancers, searching madly for Jareth. She just knew that if she didn't see his sexy ass soon she would DIE!

Meanwhile Jareth (dressed like a male hooker) watched her search for him with a sexy smile on his pale, handsome, ethereal, beautiful, intriguing face. When she had finally peed her pants in frustration he presented himself to her.

There were no words, they weren't needed. They simply joined hands, their hearts beating as one. Sarah's hands were a little sweaty and gross but Jareth didn't mind, he was going to tap that ass!

They danced, whirling and twirling amidst the glittering lights. Sarah stared into his mismatched eyes, mesmerized. If he didn't produce a condom soon she was going to spontaneously combust. Doing Jareth was totally more important than saving Toby.

"OH CRAP!" She cried, "Fucking Toby! I forgot about that stoooopid baby!" She pushed Jareth away from her. "Fuck you later, lover!" she cried, blowing him a kiss before smashing the walls of the bubble ballroom and disappearing.

Jareth watched her go. He was pissed off, cockblocked and in desperate need of a strawberry & banana smoothie.

.

To be continued….


	9. Chapter 9

PART NINE

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Dobby sat in the 'Last Chance' Bar drinking a cup of Bhang. He burped morosely into the face of the fish beside him. The fish, who was wearing a blonde wig, lipstick, and a black mini-dress, slapped him with her fin before swimming off in disapproval.

"What have I done?" Dobby asked himself. "I know what I've done, I've lost my only friend. That's what I've done. Peter Dinklage will never join my reggae band now. Not since I insulted his nose."

The barman coughed. "Didn't you do something else?" he asked.

Dobby looked at him with tear-filled eyes.

"A girl, a pepsi…a baby," the barman prompted.

Dobby rolled his eyes and took another sip of his drink "Oh yeah, I slipped that fucking bitch drugs and left her to the mercy of Jareth's 'piece of cake'. Who gives a crap about that?"

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Sarah was falling and falling through a murky sky. Random objects floated past her: a teddy bear, a microwave oven, a jar of peanut butter, some boxers with golden snitches on them, a Kites DVD…

"Sexy," Sarah remarked.

A piece of ham, a penny farthing, a picture of Zac Efron holding a feather…NAKED, Miley Cyrus's new album, peach tea, two condoms and a watch and a…..

"OWW! WTF?" Sarah cried as she landed on her ass on top of a heap of garbage. In her hand she held the pepsi that Dobby had given her. There was a fingernail floating in it.

"GROSS!" Sarah squealed, turning the bottle upside down and pouring the contents over a moving pile of rubbish.

The rubbish screamed and then Sarah screamed as an ugly thing (dressed in garbage) burst out from beneath the rotten food and crumpled newspapers.

"Why don't you look where you're pissing, bitch?" asked the garbage thing.

Sarah rolled her eyes, "I didn't piss," she said. "It was Pepsi."

"Same thing," the garbage thing said. "Now, where were you going?"

Sarah stared at her retardedly, "I don't know."

"Well you can't get where you're going if you don't know where you're going, can you…bitch?"

"Well where the crap are you going?" Sarah asked, putting her hands on her hips. All of a sudden a pooey nappy flashed into her mind's eye.

"Urgh, I was looking for something!"

The garbage thing (who for the purposes of this parody is being played by Gonzo the Great) smiled craftily and held up a Brandon Walsh Barbie doll. "Is this what you were looking for?" it asked.

Sarah almost had an orgasm, "YES!" she cried, "Oh Brandon, the Peach Pit was never the same without you!"

The garbage thing placed its purply hand on Sarah's lower back and guided her inside a little hut. All of a sudden she was back in her warm and comfortable bedroom.

"It was a dream!" Sarah cried joyfully, flinging her arms out and spinning around the room.

The garbage thing went over to the CD player on the desk and pressed play. Soon the erotic sounds of "When 2 become 1' by those sirens of song, the Spice Girls, began to fill the room.

The garbage thing leered at Sarah suggestively and then jumped on the bed and unbuttoned its garbage shirt. Sarah stared in horror at the abundance of springy chest hair.

"Lets get it on, babe!" said the garbage thing.

Sarah stumbled over to her desk, almost throwing up, and grabbed the first thing she could see, intending to use it to knock out the horny creature. But the book she had picked up attracted her attention. It was Sweet Valley High No. 117: Jessica the Genius.

Sarah quickly leafed through it until she found her favourite quote, on page 142. She had underlined it five times with a pink marker.

"_That's so sweet! I can't believe you did this!" _Sarah read, fluttering her eyelashes. "_Roses, my favourite. Come in and have some ice cream."_

"What's the matter, whore?" the garbage thing inquired. "Don't you want a ride on my disco stick?"

"NO!" Sarah cried, flinging the Brandon Walsh Barbie to the ground, "Its all JUNK!"

"Well what about this?" the garbage thing pulled its pants down to reveal a furry purple man-part. "THIS is not junk!"

"Yes it is!" Sarah yelled. "Its gross and it wouldn't fit and its JUNK! I have to SAVE TOBY!"

She threw the Sweet Valley book at the wall and as it collided with the flower patterned wallpaper the whole room began to crumble. Standing above her, waiting to pull her up, were the Hulk and Fox-Dog.

"Thank fuck!" Sarah cried, "It took you long enough!"

"Thou should have texted us, My Lady!" Fox-dog said sorrowfully. "Orange gives free texts after five o'clock. But look, lady, we are almost there!"

Sarah looked. She could see a crappy stone castle in the near distance.

"The Gates to the Goblin city!" Fox-Dog announced.

They stared in awe for a few minutes, watching as a tour bus stopped outside the gates and the passengers disembarked. A friendly goblin guide came out to welcome them and handed out headphones for translation.

Sarah raised her fist high, "Lets get that shit that calls himself Jemima!"

"Uh," Fox-Dog coughed into his paw, "_Jareth_." He corrected.

"HIM TOO!" Sarah cried, "ONWARDS CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS!"

"Uhhhh….I'm a Buddhist…" mumbled the Hulk.

"Whatever!," Sarah said, making the whatever sign with her hands before stomping off towards the gates.

Hulk and Fox-Dog followed her, their fearless and beautiful leader.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

To be continued…..


	10. Chapter 10

PART TEN

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"OPENETH THE FUCKING DOORS YOU LAZY FUGLY GOBLIN SLUTS!"

Sarah grabbed the Fox-dog and covered his mouth with her hand. He slobbered on her.

"Shh! We must go quietly!" she hissed.

Fox-dog ignored her, "OPEN THE FUCKING DOORETH!" he screamed, lifting up one of the Goblin's helmets to scream in his ear.

"You'll wake them up!" Sarah wailed, peeing her pants in fear.

"Well let them all wake up," Fox-dog answered, poking one in the stomach and then making a disgusted face when it farted.

"I shall fight them all to the death!"

"For my sake shut the fuck up!" Sarah whined, "PLEEEEEEAAASE!"

"Am I a coward?" Fox-Dog asked.

"I don't know," Sarah considered him. "You might be. I mean, I've only known you for like a short, like, while, like. So, like, you might, like, be a coward."

Fox-dog's face fell as he tried to descramble his brain.

Hulk, who was fed up of their pointless meandering, ran at the doors and knocked them open with his muscular green body.

"I smell trouble," Sarah said warningly, sniffing the air.

"Yumm Yumm," Hulk mumbled, "Fwied Fwogs Legs."

True enough there was a cluster of goblins gathered around a food vendor.

"OH NO!" Sarah screamed. "THEY MIGHT SEE US!"

All the goblins heads swivelled 360 degrees. They blinked at the intruders. Then they began to masturbate with crucifixes and spew pea soup while doing the spider walk.

"NOOOO!" Sarah cried, cowering behind Hulk.

Suddenly Dobby leapt out from behind a palm tree, dressed in a priests outfit. He pointed a wooden cross in the direction of the blaspheming goblins.

"The Power of Christ compels you!" he cried in an Irish accent.

"Your mother sucks jelly babies in hell!" the goblins taunted, their mouths frothing and their eyes glowing red.

Dobby gasped, how could they have known that?

"BACK FOUL CREATURES!" he advanced on them, holding the cross as if it were a weapon. "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"

Then, as if by magic, Jesus materialised from the cross and gave the demonic goblins a good talking to.

"And if I ever have to come down here again I'll really get mad. I'll send you all to bed…early!"

The goblins began to cry, falling to their knobby knees in front of the bearded son of God.

"AND YOU'LL MISS THE X-FACTOR!"

The goblins' wails reached an inhuman level and Jesus smiled, pleased with his effect.

"Peace out!" he said, saluting Dobby before disappearing.

"Oh Dean!" Sarah ran forward and hugged Dobby. "Are you asking to be forgiven for giving me that drugged Pepsi and deserting me?"

"No." Dobby said flatly.

"Are you ashamed of yourself," Sarah pressed, "are you a coward? Is that why you saved us?"

Dobby sneered at her. "I didn't even notice you were here, retard. I've just taken up a new job as an Exorcist. The money's good, but if I had known I was saving you I might have waited until after they chewed your brains."

"I forgive you Devengari." Sarah announced, patting him condescendingly on the head.

Dobby rolled his eyes.

"DOBBO AND HULK FWENDS!" Hulk said, hugging Dobby and drooling all over him.

"Get the fuck off me!" Dobby snapped, pushing the great ugly creature away.

"UHHHHHHHH….." Hulk stared retardedly at the spot where his 'fwend' had just been.

"Here's your coke bottle Dobby," Sarah said kindly, handing it to him.

Dobby stuck it down his pants and then did a double take. "You got my name right!" he gasped, a spark of fondness beginning to flame in his bosom.

"What, Daspletosaurus?" Sarah snapped her gum at him.

The flame blew out, never to be lit again.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"Your highness! YOUR HIGHNESS!" cried a frantic goblin as it ran frantically into the throne room.

Jareth looked up from where he was bouncing Toby on his knee. "What?" he snapped.

"THE GIRL!" exclaimed the goblin. "The girl who wished her brother away and then changed her mind and entered the Labyrinth and made friends with Dobby and Hulk and some other thing and who fell into the oubliette and then got through to America's Next Top Model and then had sex with a delivery van driver and then got hit on by a strange junk creature and then attacked by possessed goblins and also, who drank some Pepsi and forgot everything."

Jareth glared at him. "What of her?"

"SHE'S HERE! AND SHE'S ON HER WAY TO THE CASTLE!" the goblin screamed, his face turning purple with urgency.

Jareth sighed and turned back to Toby.

"AREN'T YOU GOING TO SUMMON THE GOBLIN ARMY!" the goblin screeched.

"God no," Jareth laughed. "She's so incompetent she'll probably walk into a wall and miss her deadline. Now, fuck off!"

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Meanwhile, in the slums of the Goblin city Sarah was chilling with a strawberry sundae at one of the local cafes.

"This is orgasmic," she moaned, licking her spoon in an inappropriate manner.

Dobby nearly threw up.

"My lady," Fox-Dog pointed to the dusty clock on the counter. "Should we not be hurrying?"

"OH MY GOD!" Sarah slammed her spoon down and then stood up, kicking her chair out like a spoiled teenager. "I can't have ONE moment to myself, can I?" she glared at Fox-dog. "We always have to do what YOU want to do!"

"Simmer down psycho," Dobby said, watching Fox-dog's large brown eyes well with tears.

"FINNNNNNE!" Sarah screamed. "Lets go and save Toby. GOD!"

She marched off, kicking everything that got in her path, including a kind old granny who offered her a mint humbug.

"I DON'T LIKE MINT FUCKING HUMBUGS!" she yelled.

Soon enough they reached the doors of the Goblin palace. Hulk pushed them open. And the four of them entered the reception hall.

"Would you like to join the tour?" a friendly woman asked them.

Sarah punched her in the face.

"According to a rhyme I learnt when I was little," she announced, "the King is usually in the counting house, counting out his money. If there was a queen she would be in the parlour, eating bread and honey."

"I think you'll find the dickead in the Throne room," Dobby suggested while sucking on a cola flavoured chupa chup.

"Oh" Sarah's eyes grew big with the finality of the situation. "I must face him alone," she realised.

Dobby pulled up a chair and opened the sports section of 'The Goblin Times'.

"Ok," he said.

"Aren't you going to ask why?" Sarah demanded.

"Nope. Fuck off bitch."

Sarah huffed and puffed indignantly for a moment and then stomped off, heading towards the final confrontation, the ultimate boss, the conclusion, the denouement…..


	11. Chapter 11

Sarah charged into the throne room, which was empty save for two goblins still poring over the dog-eared Nancy Drew book (they were so eager for the conclusion of the mystery).

Sparing them no more than a glance, Sarah ran up a small staircase and arrived in a room filled with impossible staircases: Some were on upside down and on the ceiling, some were sideways and on the walls and some were randomly moving.

"The staircases _move_!" Hermione Granger was telling her friends Ron and Harry as the staircase they were currently on rotated around to rest against the forbidden third floor.

"Hogwarts?" Sarah questioned.

A disembodied voice snapped, "Look we have budget restraints, okay? We're sharing a set with Barry Trotter."

"Harry Potter," Sarah corrected.

Then, in the corner of her eye, she saw an ugly creature crawling up one of the upside down stairs.

"TOBY!" she yelled, her heart bursting with jubilation.

But Toby was pretty pissed off with her. After all, she had wished him away to the Goblin King, so he just farted in her general direction and carried on crawling.

Sarah ran onto a ledge and then jumped in surprise as the Goblin King currently known as Jareth (but 100,700 years ago known as Millicent) appeared in front of her. He was wearing a totally hot black and red leather number and Sarah licked her lips lasciviously as she checked out his ass.

He cleared his throat, diverting her attention back to an appropriate eye level, and then began to sing:

"How you turned my world you dumbass bitch,

You irritate and near exhaust me,

Everything I've done, I've done 'cos I was bored,

Don't think you're a special one…"

His exotic dulcet tones echoed throughout the room as Sarah ran romantically after Toby. She tripped over a couple of stairs and smacked her face off of a 'save game' book, but she knew in her heart that, however seductive Jareth's song was, she could not give up.

"You've whinged for so long,

You've just been lucky so far,

I think you may be retarded,

Just as this song is retarded,

And I do believe, it's true,

Yes I do,

I _can_ live without your sunlight,

I can love without your heartbeat,"

"TOBY!" Sarah squawked, watching in horror as her baby brother did a perfect dive off of a ledge. She closed her eyes.

"I…I…I…can live without you," Jareth finished his song, "so…fuck off."

Sarah took a deep breath (accidentally swallowing a fairy) and jumped off the ledge after her baby brother. She fell…fell…fell…in love, until she landed with all the grace of a hippopotamus on the ground of a dreamscape.

Jareth, wearing a cloak made of Hedwig's feathers, materialised in front of her. She looked down at his prominent 'piece of cake' and wondered if it was possible to change the genre of her life from 'coming-of-age-fantasy' to 'lusty-80's-bodice-ripper'.

"No." Jareth said flatly. There was no way he was going to have passionate, purple-prosed, sex with a dumb bitch.

Sarah pouted. Life was so unfair. If she was just some boring Mary-Sue who lived in some random town called Forks and Jareth was some bloodsucking virgin with stalker tendencies who watched her sleep every night, everything would be great. She would get to have bed-breaking, pillow-splitting, demon-spawn-creating sex with her fantasy S.O, and everything would be WONDERFUL!

But _NO!_ She wasn't gonna get any from Jareth, no matter how much she soliloquised about his flashing eyes, his masculine beauty, and his ethereal, mysterious piece of cake.

"So…..can I have Toby now?" she asked, snapping a piece of strawberry hubba-bubba between her lips.

Jareth sighed.

"Sarah, beware," he decided to stick to his lines, for posterity's sake. "I have been generous up until now."

"Generous!" Sarah's eyes bulged out of her head, "what have you done that's generous?"

"Everything! Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken, I took him…"

Sarah interrupted him: "Umm…and then I asked that you give him back and you were like 'Nu-uh! You must complete my stupid maze!"

Jareth ignored her. "You cowered before me, I was frightening."

"Dude, no you weren't."

"I HAVE REORDERED TIME! I HAVE TURNED THE WORLD UPSIDE DOWN, AND I HAVE DONE IT ALL FOR YOU! ISN'T THAT GENEROUS?"

"Naw…man, you just sang around two minutes ago that you did it all cos you were bored. If you really want to be generous though," Sarah waggled her eyebrows suggestively, "You can take my second virginity."

Jareth wrinkled his brow, "What is a _second_ virginity?"

Sarah rolled her eyes, "Well y'know the Tesco man entered the front door…you can enter the ba…"

Jareth clapped both hands over his ears "LALALALALAAAA…I'M NOT LISTENING!"

"FINE!" Sarah thrust her chest out, just to give him an idea of what he was missing. "THROUGH DANGERS UNTOLD AND HARDSHIPS UNNUMBERED, I HAVE FOUGHT MY WAY HERE TO THE CASTLE BEYOND THE GOBLIN CITY, FOR MY WILL IS AS STRONG AS YOURS. AND MY-"

"STOP!" Jareth held out a 'Do not pass go, do not collect 200 pounds, got to jail' card.

"Look Sarah, look what I'm offering you…"

He held, in his other hand, a 'Get out of Jail free' card.

"I'll let you be the car, I'll let you buy the Mayfair properties…"

Sarah was tempted, she really was, but she HAD TO SAVE HER BROTHER!

"YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!" she screamed, "I AM THE MONOPOLY MASTER!"

Jareth's face fell and a lonely tear dripped down his cheek. He had hoped, just for a moment, that he might gain a worthy monopoly opponent: there were so few in the Labyrinth. And then, after monopoly they could have moved onto a thrilling game of scrabble.

But that could never be.

With a cry of rage he transformed into an owl and pooped on her head before he flew away.

…..

Sarah blinked, startled to find herself suddenly back in the downstairs hallway of her home. Through the window she could see her neighbour Jerry Dandridge carrying a coffin across his lawn.

Brimming with relief, she raced up the stairs and hurried to Toby's crib. Sure enough, the little brat was tucked in sweetly beneath his blanket. Filled with a newfound love for her brother, Sarah retrieved the gross, wet, Brandon Walsh Barbie from the waste basket and set it down beside Toby's head.

"This belongs to you now," she said generously.

Then, happy but still, sadly, a little horny, she went to her own room to await the return of her parents. As she was staring into her dressing-table mirror, debating whether or not she should pluck her nose hairs, Dobby materialised in the reflective glass.

"Django!" Sarah exclaimed, "Have you come to tell me that if I need you, for any reason at all, every now and again in my life, for no reason at all, that you'll be there for me?"

"No," Dobby said shortly, "I just wanted to tell you that Jareth is on the tree outside right this minute, disguised as an owl, waiting until you get changed for bed so that he can perve on you. Just thought you oughta know."

Sarah smiled gratefully, "Thanks Dibblewibblewaddobby!"

Dobby groaned. He couldn't be bothered to correct her, even though she was so, so, so wrong. The time for annoyance had passed, he was off to save Harry Potter from death at the hands of the Death Eaters.

He was going to help them break out of Malfoy Manor and then _he_ would be a hero: The House Elf Who Lived.

Winky would surely marry him then.

Filled with hope for the future, Dobby clicked his fingers and disappeared.

Sarah walked over to her window and winked at the snowy white owl wearing a blonde, spiky wig and eye-shadow.

The owl winked back.

….

Roll credits


End file.
